Left you down a dark street as
the sunrise moved along,
carrying me with it in
an everlasting dawn.
All I left behind me was
the thing I left to find;
now I sit alone, beside
the sunset in my mind.
This text © 2005 John David Robinson, all rights reserved. Duplication prohibited without written consent.
Friday, December 22, 2006
(Left you down a dark street as)
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3 comments:
i'm officially mulling this one over and will comment when i have a little more quiet. =)
but i like it.
ok, i've mulled. my official opinion is damn you're good.
but i want to know why you broke the A lines with as and was instead of street and me. i think it would work just as well to break it in the more natural phrase and it would make for a slightly less awkward title. i vote that "left you down a dark street" be the title no matter if you never even consider changing the break. or i would vote for "left you" just like that.
but all in all this is exactly what i love about poetry. i'll carry on with the food analogies and say that this poem to me is like the perfect portion of dark chocolate with port. i know you know what i mean. i want to read it like ten times.
Dang, Alissa. Keep complimenting me like that, and I'll end up writing something new! ;)
I think the reason I broke the lines there is that I place a natural pause there when I read it. I think of poetry as the written expression of a spoken art form, so I try not to use anything fancy like italics, color, or fonts in my writing (hence the typewriter font I'm s'fond of), and I tend to write as I speak, rather than as I would write prose. (Though sometimes I don't because not doing so means something.)
As I was mulling the changes over, I really liked them, and I was sure you'd be two for two with convincing me to change my poems (which, by the way, I've never done before, ever). But when I read the poem out loud, it makes me rush "as the sun" and "in an". Maybe that's just 'cause I read it in my own way (it sounds like "stree tas" and "innan"), but in a hundred years when I'm dead, that's probably how I'll be remembered. I also like to start out with an orphaned stress on alternating lines before I get into the strictly iambic meter. I think I just like the sound.
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